Picture this: A mother dies. She has three adult children. In the last 10 months of her life, she had a stroke, became more dependent, and one of her daughters moved in to help take care of her (handled doctors, bills, and the house). A few weeks before her death, the mother signed a new restatement of her revocable trust that named only the caregiver daughter as the sole successor trustee, gave that caregiver daughter the family residence outright, changed the residue from equal thirds to 50/25/25, and added a no contest clause (meaning, the trust penalizes a beneficiary who challenges the validity of the document in court by making him/her lose his/her inheritance).

These scenes play out in families every day, and almost always, they didn’t have to. It always amazes me when I witness people wanting to keep everything a secret, all while wanting to avoid conflict in the future. This is a recipe for disaster.

Talking to your family about your estate plan doesn’t have to be dramatic, awkward, or emotionally charged. With the right approach, it can actually bring your family closer together.

Why Talking About Your Estate Plan Feels Uncomfortable

In most cultures, it seems like money and mortality are two of the most taboo topics. And, to make things tougher – estate planning is a combination of both.

One thing that has always stood out to me is that a lot of people avoid discussing anything that touches the topic of death because it makes them feel like death is more imminent. I’ve even had someone young (in his 40s) say, “I don’t like to talk about death because it makes me feel like I’m going to die sooner.” I’ve had many clients come in and say that they’ve been avoiding estate planning because it involves making tough decisions, like choosing guardians for their minor children.

Reframe the Conversation Around Your Loved Ones

Instead of thinking that making decisions about death confirms that you’re going to die (which is actually kind of funny, because that’s one bridge everyone is always going to cross at some point), think about every single person you’re supporting or taking care of in one way or another. Think about people that are depending on you and what will happen to them if your support disappears. Also, think about all the decisions people will have to make for you if you don’t make those decisions for yourself while you’re able.

When and How to Start the Conversation

A couple of practical tips:

1. Start small. There is no perfect moment. You don’t need to call a special family meeting if that’s not how your family functions. It can be as casual as inserting it into a conversation with your loved ones over the phone, drop by drop, before or while you’re in the process of having estate planning documents prepared.
2. Consider your family dynamic. If your family functions better with formal family meetings where everyone is present, handle it that way. However, if you all have relationships where you keep up with each other casually over the phone here and there, you can also handle it that way.
3. My personal take. I’m a big fan of bringing it up casually, little by little, in one-on-one settings with family members/friends. There are so many pros to this approach. For one, it does not make the conversation feel as dramatic. Second, the person you’re speaking with will feel more comfortable saying how he/she really feels without others present. And, third, it will make it easier for you to bring it up casually instead of feeling nervous as if you’re gearing up for a big family event. Also, the more you bring it up little by little over time, the less taboo this topic will feel in your family.

What to Actually Say About Your Estate Plan

This can be something as simple as, “I’m getting my estate planning documents prepared/updated…” and filling in your family/friends with straightforward details. If you’re looking to name a friend or family member as successor trustee, I recommend asking if he/she would feel comfortable with this (or even have the bandwidth to take on the responsibility). If you’re considering naming more than one person, it’s also worth thinking about how those co-trustees will work together and the potential for conflict.

If there is a lot going on in your estate planning documents (for example, you own multiple real properties, financial accounts, businesses, etc.), we often hold meetings with the family’s CPA, financial advisors, and family members in order to explain the details of our clients’ estate plan.

Why Having an Estate Planning Attorney in the Room Helps

You don’t have to navigate this conversation alone. An estate planning attorney can serve as a neutral third party, which often defuses emotion related to this topic. I always let my clients know I’m happy to meet with their family members/friends and run through their estate plan for them, if that will make things easier. I am also open to having these meetings virtually for people who are not local. Oftentimes, I encourage my clients to write personal letters to their loved ones about specific items they’d like to highlight in their documents or include the reasons for their decisions for reference.

The Cost of Staying Silent About Your Estate Plan

This isn’t about scaring anyone into action. It’s about taking care of your loved ones beyond the grave. I promise that if you make these decisions during your lifetime, your family and friends will feel relieved and loved by you on a new level after you’ve passed away. I’ve heard this time and time again from clients with parents or grandparents who had their estate planning documents in order.

You Don’t Have to Navigate Estate Planning Alone

If the idea of starting this conversation still feels daunting, this is exactly the kind of thing I help families work through every day. I invite you to schedule a consultation to learn more and receive customized guidance for your family’s long-term planning goals.

If you’re ready to have a conversation about your estate plan, KJMLAW Partners can help you navigate the process and make thoughtful decisions for your family. Call (626)*******80 to schedule a consultation.

Susie Grigoryan is a dedicated estate planning associate attorney at KJMLAW Partners, where she helps individuals and families secure their futures through customized wills, trusts, and estate planning. Susie is passionate about simplifying complex legal concepts, ensuring her clients feel supported and empowered when making critical decisions. Her client-centered approach focuses on protecting assets and creating lasting peace of mind for loved ones. She received her JD from the Dale E. Fowler School of Law at Chapman University. If you have questions about this topic or would like guidance on estate planning in California, contact Susie Grigoryan to schedule a consultation.